These are the top 5 reasons why you attract the wrong people in your love life
Are you searching for the right partner and keep wondering why you attract the wrong people to your life?
In this article you will discover:
- the most common reasons for attracting wrong people
- the impact of your beliefs on your choices of partners
- how to change the pattern you are repeating and upgrade your love life
Are you finding yourself attracted to emotionally unavailable relationships with cheating married men or bad boys? Do you attract men who don’t value you or simply vanish? Do you fall for cheaters over and over again? They are very attractive at first but then they end up causing extreme drama one way or the other. If this is your situation and you truly want to stop meeting and dating these types of men, continue reading.
“Everything that happens to you is a reflection of what you believe about yourself. We cannot outperform our level of self-esteem. We cannot draw to ourselves more than we think we are worth.”
~ Iyanla Vanzant
1. You don’t feel like you deserve it
You attract the wrong people because you have low self-esteem.
If your self-esteem is low you won’t attract high-caliber people or into your life or business.
What Is Self-Esteem?
Psychology defines it as an individual’s overall sense of self-worth or personal value. It’s how much we appreciate, like ourselves and feel worthy and deserving things in life.
Many factors affect our self-esteem. Things like genetics, childhood experiences, and age, are out of our control. But other factors like our stamina, strength, thoughts and personal circumstances can be managed.
Self-esteem is not some permanent state of mind, though. It changes over time. Self-esteem largely depends on the current situation we’re in. What you’re currently going through or what happened to you in the past doesn’t determine how you will feel tomorrow.
The tricky part is that you may not be aware of the fact that you don’t feel you are good enough to have a kind and loving partner. Typically our core beliefs are stored in our subconscious mind and in everyday life we don’t have access to them.
How to attract the right partner to your life?
Learn how to change limiting beliefs. Read more
2. You are confused
You attract wrong partners and generally wrong people in your life because you lack clarity on what you actually want. Is it a long-term relationship, non-commitment fun, or something else?
Having the courage to show up who you are and what you are searching for will determine the quality of your experiences with dating.
What are you looking for in a partner? You’ve probably had this conversation with friends or family at some point, but did you ever take the time to answer the question yourself?
So, what do you want? Is it someone who’s ambitious and driven, someone who will support your career goals? Someone who will make a great parent. Someone who’s fun and exciting. Or is it someone with a sense of humor, someone who will make you laugh every day?
This may sound like I’m describing an “ideal” partner, but I’m not. I am describing someone with qualities that are important to YOU. If you’re not clear on what you want in a partner, how can you expect to attract them?
The good news, however, is that if you don’t know what you want in a partner, there’s still hope. The qualities that are important to YOU are unique. So what would your ideal match look like? How would he or she treat you? What kind of relationship would you have together?
I know it sounds cliché, but there really is somebody out there for everyone. And it all starts with knowing what kind of person is right for YOU. This isn’t about attracting anyone in particular; it’s about attracting the person who is looking for the same type of experience, be it a long-term, committed relationship, or just a romance.
3. You are needy and have unrealistic expectations
There are two main reasons why you are attracting needy love partners.
The first is because you are needy yourself. You have to become aware of your own needs and how they manifest in your relationships. Sadly, many people have not had their childhood needs met sufficiently, so they go about the adult world unconsciously looking for them to be fulfilled.
This means that you are seeking out needy partners, who are likely to be attracted to you because you “mirror” them, i.e., they can feel safe with you because they know that you are just as needy as they are!
The second reason for attracting these types of partners is because you have very high expectations of what a love partner should do for you, and how much it should cost them! As a child we rely on our cagivers to fulfill all our needs, as we grow up we learn how to rely on ourselves, become independent and how to express ourselves. If we fail to do that, we will end up having unrealistic expectations from our partner, which will bring us frustration and disappointment.
Think about it, how do needy people make you feel? Imagine a partner who constantly seeks attention or assurance or is expecting you will read his mind because he or she does now know how to communicate and express himself/ herself. Being needy is not desirable, it actually repels high-quality people.
4.You listen to others
From a young age, we’re taught to listen to others. This is how we learn to do things like crossing the street and not to play with matches and simply stay safe and survive.
When we grow up, we often stop listening to our own inner voice and start listening to the opinions of others instead. We may even lose track of our original desires and goals and start “living for others.”
When we listen to other people too much, we can become dependent on their opinions and approval. This leads to us becoming addicted to external validation. We need outside praise in order to feel good about ourselves and we need outside love because it gives us a sense of worth as human beings.
Deciding who you should be with is ultimately your decision. Make sure you’re doing it for yourself and not for anyone else. If you are relying to much on others opinions, step back and do some soul-searching, or even better core-beliefs searching, find your inner voice, and learn how to listen to it. Our intuition is an extremely powerful tool.
Here are some steps that will help you break this pattern:
- Get clear about what you want from life – what are your values? How do you want to feel every day? What are your goals? What are you doing with your time?
- Identify your relationship values – what are the important things that you want in a partner?
- Find ways of getting this love from yourself – love more deeply, love more purely, love more unconditionally
Need help with that process? Let’s talk.
5. You have developed a dysfunctional attachment style
If you are single (or in a relationship) and having trouble attracting love, you might be surprised to know that your attachment style may be the problem.
What is an attachment style? According to developmental psychology, everyone develops an attachment style in childhood that dictates how we act in relationships as adults. Attachment styles are learned by watching your parents interact when you were little or they can be influenced by your early experiences with caregivers, siblings, peers, and so on. Each attachment style has its own set of rules for how people in relationships should behave towards each other. When it comes to romantic relationships, there are four main types of attachment styles: secure, avoidant, anxious and fearful. If your childhood was characterized by emotional distance or inconsistent caregiving, you may have developed a dysfunctional attachment style. One of the most common dysfunctional styles is called “anxious-preoccupied” which makes up about 25% of the population worldwide. If you have this type of insecure attachment style, it can really influence your ability to form and maintain healthy relationships with romantic partners.
For adults with an anxious attachment style, the partner is often the ‘better half.’
The thought of living without a partner (or being alone in general) causes high levels of anxiety. People with this type of attachment typically have a negative self-image, while having a positive view of others.
The anxious adult often seeks approval, support, and responsiveness from their partner.
People with this attachment style value their relationships highly, but are often anxious and worried that their loved one is not as invested in the relationship as they are.
A strong fear of abandonment is present, and safety is a priority. The attention, care, and responsiveness of the partner appears to be the ‘remedy’ for anxiety.
On the other hand, the absence of support and intimacy can lead the anxious/preoccupied type to become more clinging and demanding, preoccupied with the relationship, and desperate for love.
To change your style to be more secure, seek therapy as well as relationships with others who are capable of a secure attachment. If you have an anxious attachment style, you will feel more stable in a committed relationship with someone who has a secure attachment style. This helps you become more secure.
Changing your attachment style and healing from codependency go hand-in-hand. Both require the following:
- Heal your shame and raise your self-esteem. This enables you to not take things personally.
- Learn to be assertive.
- Learn to identify, honor, and assertively express your emotional needs.
- Risk being authentic and direct. Don’t play games or try to manipulate your partner’s interest.
- Practice acceptance of yourself and others to become less faultfinding – a tall order for codependents and distancers.
- Stop reacting. This can be a challenge because our nervous system is used to reacting automatically. It often entails being able to identify your triggers, unhook what causes them.
- Learn to self-soothe – all which is hard to do on your own. Try my a Quick Office Yoga stretch and read tips on self-nurturing and wellbeing.
- Learn to resolve conflict and compromise from a “we” perspective.
Don’t know where to start? Check out the Love Lab! My free upcoming masterclass to upgrade your love and attract the right partner!